Follow up to the previous post: “Parenting and Personalities”

Some 3,500+ words, in Spanish and in English, of replies here at ‘the @’, on facebook and in my inbox have shown me I am not alone on this point of personalities and parenting. The day the post went live I also had a great Skype call with my wonderful mommy; her sage advice and sincere encouragement were quite helpful. As we talked I was reminded of a pertinent conversation on a related topic with a dear friend a while ago.

As a summary of what I have taken away from this realization of my feelings towards my child and then my decision to go public in finding a solution I made a bullet list compiled from those who took the time to think and respond. Thank you all!

• Be open to ‘Paul on the Damascus Road’ type of experiences for a change of mind.
• Recognize the behavior in relation to the age.
• Pray that God would give you as a parent: love, understanding, wisdom, acceptance, guidance, a true happiness, patience, peace, eyes to see the way He sees, and power for a change of heart.
• Love conquers ALL. Every single time you sense the negative emotions towards that child go immediately to give your child a hug and say, “I love you.”
• The fact that you can name how you are feeling diminishes the power of that emotion. You can identify when it arises and combat it with the truth that it has no power over you.
• Write a story of the positives of the traits you see and then imagine a strong future for your child.
• Look beyond the conflict and try to see how connecting through these unique traits can help you grow as a person and establish a stronger relationship with your child.
• Persist, endure, love unconditionally, hope.
• Listen to other people as they adore the personality of your child to remind yourself of God’s unique design.
• Gary Thomas – God intended our children not to make us (necessarily) happy, but to grow our holiness.

Many chose to share stories from life experiences as a parent. I cherish the precious nature of that kind of advice because I know it comes from a place of truly helping me to understand a hopeful scenario in relation to these issues. I feel like I know some of you better because of your willingness to lay it all out there in hopes that it will boost my confidence.

You will be glad to know I have been praying and attempting a new way of looking at our situation. I have begun to feel that change is possible. I am more hopeful about the progress of my relationship with this child of mine.

*Input request*

People frequently make the observation of the diversity of personalities represented in my kids. They ask how we have nurtured their uniqueness. My answer usually points to a teaching I heard that kids are not blank canvases. That as parents we have the responsibility to identify and then encourage the individual leans of our children.

Up until recently this has been a supreme joy for me as a mama, the light in a myriad of drudgery. We celebrate our strengths and it’s all hunky-dory.  But…

What happens now that I am identifying in one of my children a personality and (dare I say it) gifting that rubs me the wrong way?

The problem might be that I have branded in my own mind the philosophy of the ‘not blank canvas’. I imagine myself ‘helping’ this child move in the direction of a honed gift and cringing the whole time.

I hate cilantro. It’s the one food I abhor. I don’t keep it in my home, I don’t cook with it and I don’t order food with cilantro. This personality trait feels like cilantro in my mouth.

So what do I do? (*this is where you start to come up with brilliant, change-your-life advice and share it with me, okay?*)

The way I see it I have two choices:

1. I can put on a happy face and fake like I like cilantro so this child will have a shot at developing this gift.  The downfall to this approach would be a secret resentment (that I already can feel growing inside me, thus this cry-for-help post) and a distanced relationship. Not good.

2. I can scrap my ‘not a blank canvas’ philosophy and try to find some creative techniques for encouraging alternative personality traits. The struggle I have here (besides the probable resentment that will spring forth from my child costing the steep price of authenticity in our relationship) is the fear of abandoning a philosophy that has defined me as a mother for these 13 years.

With the hope of having an authentic relationship with my child in which both of us can be true to the unique lean God has placed in us I am begging for your advice and observations of this personality issue. Oh, and this personality that rubs me the wrong way is not anything sinful or hurtful. Actually, in the minds of many the traits are revered and honored. Which leads me to believe that I am so messed up! I think I need to call my mommy…

Thanks for your thoughts!

A tumbler of water teeters on the edge of the coffee table in the middle of a busy room. In a flash and a crash, the tumbler tumbles to the floor; clunk. Water everywhere.

In the moment of the fall what did you do? Feel? Think?

Well, of course, as anyone in that position would do I …

My finger raises and I tilt my head to the side calling you to think a moment about starting your answer that way with a teasing scold, “Ah, ah, ah.” Your questioning face studies my knowing grin.

Not everyone would respond the same.

This is a bit of an age old situation given to illustrate a truth.

Some would run for a towel.
Some would tell someone to run for a towel.
Some would reprimand the one who knocked the tumbler over.
Some would look scornfully at the one who caused the interruption.
Some would comfort the one who knocked the tumbler over.
Some would try to turn the incident into a lesson or teaching opportunity.
Some would philosophize.
Some would attempt to diffuse the tension with a quip.
Some would laugh.
Some would ignore the occurrence altogether and change the subject.
Some would alert the children to stay away in case of broken glass.
Some would physically remove the children from the room.
Some would start composing a blog post in their mind.
Some would go on with whatever was happening before.
Some would jump up startled, whether the water spilled on them or not.
Some would apologize, whether they caused the problem or not.
Some would look for a way to get the person who lost their drink a fresh tumbler full of water.

And those are just a few; you probably have a few more to add to the list.

The point is: be aware of the diversity in this world and choose to celebrate it.

A secondary point could be: know thyself.

Combine those two points and we have a wonderful understanding happening.

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Here is a fun little exercise I do in my premarital classes. We talk about what values / morals are, where they come from, how and when they are formed, etc. I give them a few examples of values in our society such as: loyalty, ambition, and punctuality. Then I ask them to take a few moments and write down what they believe are the top ten values that govern their personal lives, listed as well as they can from one, the most important, on down to number ten. This is an individual activity so things are quiet for some time as they ponder and write on their sheets of paper. When they feel that they have a good representation of the top items of their moral compass we compare lists.

The surprise is rich! When it is inevitably obvious that this lovely young lady and this honorable young man have very different core values we have a platform for discussing how to mesh these two wonderful personalities into a loving marriage.

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So I would like to know… when the tumbler tumbles what is your gut reaction?

Ten days from now is my birthday. I have some fun things planned. More on that later. For now, though, I want to hear from you. Let’s talk birthdays!

Which was your most memorable birthday and why?

C’mon, I know that there are some stories out there. Let us hear it!

a clue to my age... in case you were curious

Jaime Guerrero of Spain was one tough warrior. He was the son of a whore; Señor Guillermo Guerrero was his father. Meanwhile Guillermo’s legal wife had given him other sons, and when they grew up, his wife’s sons threw Jaime out. They told him: “You’re not getting any of our family inheritance—you’re the son of another woman.” So Jaime fled from his brothers and went to live in Portugal. Some riffraff joined him and went around with him.

Have you read the above bible story before? What? Bible story? You ask. Oh yes, the names have been changed as well as the locations, yet relatively same in distance as the original. They story line was untouched.

This is a doctored up cut and paste job from the Message translation (Judges 11). The concept is true to the Hebrew from whence it first was transcribed.

This is not the only instance of earthy adultery seen in the pages of the Bible. On this same page where our tale of “Jaime” is found there is bloodshed, polygamy, human sacrifice, and more sexual sin. We also see the guidance of God, His mercy and people who are wholeheartedly dedicated to His will.

The bible is a fascinating book. When we slow down and really think about the whole situation in any given portion we find true humanity alongside sovereign divinity. People have been people since Adam. Not much in our nature has changed.

As a writer I have been grappling with a question of content. It would seem that nothing is hidden in the stories of the bible heroes. Noah got drunk. David slept around and committed premeditated murder. Peter was a turn coat. The list could go on. As a storyteller, mainly in the fiction realm, how does this affect me? My question is:

As a Christian writer what licence do I have in the themes I choose to include in my stories?

For much of my younger life I was a gullible literalist. Things were very black and white. It thrilled me to be able to proclaim fearlessly and foolishly things as “right” and “wrong”. As the hairs on my head have started to gray I have begun to see the beauty in the shades of life lying in the in-between. I have to fight the urge to slap labels on things, especially in the very public creative expression arena.  There is truth to the notion that some things are neither “right” nor “wrong”, per se.

When I read this part of scripture my thoughts went to the characters in the novel I wrote last year. One of the main themes is teenage pregnancy out of wedlock. A twinge in my gut said that this topic is taboo for a Christian writer. Yet there are also elaborate lies and disobedience to parents. Where does one draw the line?

By telling a story true to human nature I do not feel as though I am being irreverent. What are your thoughts on this topic?

How long will you live?

The CIA has a study from last year (2009) about the average lifespan of the inhabitants of every country. The study also gives an average for the world. Evidently a human being of our era can expect to live about 66 years, give or take.

Here are some stats I found interesting:

• Longest lifespan average: the country of Macau with 84 years.
• All around Asia there are countries where the lifespan average is 80+ years.
• The same goes for Europe; many are at the 80+ years range for lifespan.
• Contrast that with vast amounts of African countries not even reaching 50 years as the average lifespan expectancy.
• United States citizens average is 78 years.
• Russia and Bolivia tie with the rest of the world average of 66 years.
• Where I got my intel: CIA rank list of average lifespan

In general there is not the emphasis on surviving the “mid-life crisis” here in Bolivia like there is the States. I have frequently wondered why that is. I also found it odd that when you put the title “youth group” on an event or gathering then you can expect that people from the age of 15 up to about 31 will show up. Now that I see these stats it makes a bit more sense. A Bolivian is either young or old. There is no in between ground because 33 years is half of 66 years. I am 33 years old now (gulp).

The stark distinction can be seen not only in the age groupings but in many other aspects of life in Bolivia. The social classes are divided by how much money you make: rich or poor. You are either from the country or the city; no suburbian blissdom here. Even the states of the country, called departments, separate themselves as cambas (amazonian, tropical regions) or collas (highland, mountainous regions). Just recently the political spilt has become even more evident with the socialist in half of the country opposed to the autonomists living in the other half.

No matter where you live or what you do none of us have been promised tomorrow.  The design of life conceals our age as a mystery. I am grateful to not know the days numbered to me. I am even more grateful for the gift of faith that allows me to believe that this experience of time is not that only one I will enjoy.

• Even if the world average of 66 years was turned into 66 months and I had 5 1/2 years to live I do not think I would change how I lead my life.
• Even if the 66 years turned into 66 weeks and I had a year and a quarter left I don’t think that my rhythm would vary.
• Even if the 66 years was traded for 66 days giving me a bit more than 2 months to live I do not think there are any changes I could invoke that would help me to be more satisfied.
• 66 hours is almost 3 days, and 66 minutes is just over an hour. If I trust that the gift of faith given to me is sufficient then I will just continue to put one foot in front of the other. My race is marked. If I stay on the path I believe has been set for me then I can enjoy the experience.

The truth is we don’t know. We just do not know. I wonder if you feel the same way as I do about the way you spend your days. Would you change anything if you knew? Would you remain on the same path?

Ref.: Ephesians 5 and 2 Peter 3.

“You’ve made your bed now you must lie in it.”

May a car owner gripe about oil changes?

May a writer groan about spelling rules?

May a mother whine about stinky pants?

May a hiker fuss about muddy boots?

May a runner find sweat stains frustrating?

Yes, they may, but what good does it do? We are capable of complaining about circumstances we have chosen, but logic says that stating obvious hardships is futile.

What is the murmurer’s motive?

… pity...

Why do I want others to pity me about a choice I made?

That is like putting myself down, as though I made a bad choice.

… camaraderie...

The the ranks of the embittered are a sorry bunch.

… authenticity…

Possibly permissible, but there may be a more effective path to clarity.

Must we deny the existence of difficulties? Are we doomed to suffer in silence and waste away from the inside out? Are we lying in the bed we made by lying about the circumstances and saying that they are better than we feel they are?

- o -

It might seem that I am complaining about complainers in a round about way. Not so much, as I am reflecting on my own attitudes.

I chose to make a trans-hemispherical move. Therefore, my melancholy sighs about being far from those I love are wearisome not therapeutic.

I chose to follow Christ. What sense does it make that I would be annoyed when people question my dedication?

I chose to start an orphanage. Getting flustered about finances won’t pay the bills nor put food in their little bellies.

I chose to accept the blessing of parenthood. Why would I wish raising my kids didn’t involve correction, patience and utter dependence on the Creator when I admit full control is out of my grasp?

- o -

Do everything without complaining and arguing.

Actually, I don’t have a sense of needing anything personally. I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.

That directive and that statement sound forward and audacious, respectively. They are excerpts from the writings of the apostle Paul when his thoughts turned towards the people of Philippi during one of his multiple imprisonments (Message translation of part of Philippians).

So what alternative do we have to complaining? Your thoughts are welcome.

A survey from plain and simple curiosity. Answer one, some, all or none.

1. Which J.R. Tolkien character do you identify with the most? Why?

2. Which C.S. Lewis character do you identify with the most? Why?

3. Which Roald Dahl character do you identify with the most? Why?

4. Which J.M. Barrie character do you identify with the most? Why?

5. Which Charles Dickens character do you identify with the most? Why?

6. Of the authors mentioned above which one would you like to converse with? (Where it made possible through time travel and/or teletransportation, of course.)

7. Red pill or blue pill?

Thanks for playing along!

One of my first tasks as I have become more present in running the House of Dreams is to develop a logo. We have never had one. Since I am branching out with more contacts both nationally and internationally I felt that a recognizable logo was needed. It will also come in handy for the T-shirts I want to get made as well as for the volunteer and employee smocks / polos.  We mustn’t forget about: murals, business cards, photo album covers, random doodling and all sorts of fun printable stuff.

There are some ideas below that we like. I would love to hear what you are thinking. Which one do you like the very best? Why do you like it so very much? (You will notice that the Spanish counterpart is snuggled up against the English one so you can see both together.)

There are 4 designs:

1. Black with white letters
2. White with black letters
3. Color with large letters
4. Color with thin letters

Thanks for your input!

Here are the new images on my home page scroller. What do you think?