*The Mind Bytes posts here at the @ are usually a fast stream of consciousness kind of essay bit. Today is a different style yet still true to the peek at the way my brain works. Coming up in June I will have had this blog design for a year. I like it. There are many elements that will stay. Then there are some tweaks that I would like to make. As I begin to move towards the revamp I scratch out with my pencil some ideas. This is my plan for the essentials and guidelines so that I can communicate ‘clearly’ with my designer. Then I put it all in a Word doc. to make it even ‘clearer’. As you might have guessed I am doubting the level of ‘clarity’ beyond my own personal gray matter. At any rate, I feel obliged to share with my bloggity friends the way my brain works. So, here you go:

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I fear that I scare you

I worry that I make you anxious

It saddens me to think that I have disappointed you

Reciprocated? Empathetic listening? Paranoia, probably.

Reading minds was not taught when the rude and polite line was drawn in the sandbox

Assumptions, reading between the lines on your face

I tread lightly, unsure

Buttons, clicks, requests accepted, requests denied, and I wonder if I know how to push all the buttons to push you away

Blurting out, letting it all hang out when we are hanging out might make you think you’ve been hung out to dry by my try at truth and authenticity. Better arid awareness than dripping denial? You tell me what degree of humidity you would like. For if sopping means you stay I would have it no other way. Dry sounds harsh. Do you know that I like you? Do you know I try not to hurt – judge – shut you out – hang you out – alienate?

Affirmation aids against assumptions of adversity and alleviates angst.

*Some lines, phrases and thoughts from a stream of consciousness as I contemplate. Awaiting clarity on much here. This is like a peek in the oven when a loaf is half baked: the smell of something good yet lacking time and trial. Consider this nothing more than a whiff.

The kids are sure calm. Ah-ha, treats and a movie. Look at their eyes. Do they know what is happening? Do they know he is going and they are staying? If they know, what is that doing to them. Extra hugs and cuddles.

Muffled French from the dining room. Will they know I care for their son? What will be lost in translation? There is a translator, they tell me. Oh great. A tiny little snooty better than you translator. Don’t judge. But it is true. And this one has to relate to the parents of this boy I love how happy I am going to tell them that I am.

Maybe I should not have come. This is not easy. Does my smile look fake? It feels fake. Force yourself to instill confidence. Tell them what they need to hear. Let the boy hear how wonderful this is.

They really are good people. How long? Did you just say five years? wow. Oh, don’t share that with me. Yes, I get it. You didn’t want to be infertile. This is your alternative. But I didn’t need to hear that. Just tell me you are going to care for him. Just tell me that he means the world to you. Tell me what I need to hear and I will tell you what you need to hear.

Straining to understand foreign syllables here and there spoken with a Bolivian accent. She is doing the best she can. I don’t need the attitude. Why is the attitude forgotten by most translators? If my face is sincere maybe they will catch the sincerity from me rather than the cynicism from her. But where is my sincerity? I left it at the door as I told my legs to carry me in there to meet the ‘rescuers’.

Dang! There are so many things I want to change around here. That. and that. oh that too. dang. that has to go. that can not stay. are you serious? I did not just see that. Lord help us.

Focus. Find a kid. Ah. That is better. Unconditional love from the unloved. I know the cliche of the institutional adversary. I have read the books and I have seen the movies. But don’t look at me like you are are so ready to be done with me. I know the look because it is the one I give. At least this is a step up from the street. At least the kid has food and a bed and genuine care. He might have died without us. I gotta snap out of this. This is all in my head.

You are justifying jealousy with self-righteous defenses that are frivolous arguments that no body wants to hear. Snap your pictures. Show truth. Smile a ton. Focus on the kids.

Well isn’t this a dandy situation. Another parent arrives. Weekly she comes. Weekly she dotes. Weekly she wonders. Has she kicked out the man who damaged her daughter? Will that smile trying to be winning win back her girl? Until then little miss sits and gloats about the mama she has that will one day come and get her.

Six parents. The French ones will whisk their son away to life right out of the pages of all the right magazines. One Bolivian mother cooks to feed the 24 mouths, which will be 23 soon. Another Bolivian mother, also grandmother, gives her time to the little ones. The other Bolivian mother longs to have her child back. The parent who is me longs for too many things.

I have got to make this midway place pleasant. Parents who come need to see a home. So much work.

Thank the volunteers.

One more look at those baby eyes.

Music and rumble of truck. Soothing. Distracting.

*We all do it. We talk to ourselves. The sophisticated pros call it ’self-talk’. In a theatrical production it is like unto a soliloquy. Whatever it is, here’s some from my head.

So, when we are in the States again I must remember to flush the toilet paper. Wipe and drop, wipe and drop. It’s not so hard. The absence of a trash can overflowing with wadded up toilet paper complete with brown smudges will be your first clue. Wipe and drop.

I wonder what else I can expect. It has been 28 months since being back in the States. I have traveled to other places like Peru and the Salar de Uyuni. But we are going back to THE United States. Home of the fast lane. Home of fast food. Home of fast talking because everyone is so gosh darn busy.

Remember you are free of the green envy monster. Be happy for people when they tell you that things are tight so they can’t give towards the orphanage… but come see my new car. Be happy when people tell you they only have a couple minutes to talk even though they haven’t seen you face to face in hundreds of thousands of minutes. Remember that, “Hey! How ya’ doing?” isn’t a real question.

Must not kiss. No kissing anybody. Do you need to pack the duct tape just as a reminder? Extend hand,  lock elbow, grasp firmly, up and down. No kissing. Oh, and don’t forget the churchy-nothing-kooky-going-on-hug-slash-pat. Stand shoulder to shoulder, reach over and give a quick pat on the opposite shoulder. It shows you care, but not overly.

Babies. You got some very strange looks when you goo-gooed over some bitty ones last time. Oh, of course the babies were just eating it up, but the parents start personal space training at a very young age in the States. The baby stays in the plastic carrier. That is their place: strapped to the plastic thing sitting on the floor while mom talks to everyone. Don’t bother the babies because the parents might be bothered by that. Sneak your goo-gooing in when the mom loses interest in your conversation and turns the other way.

Conversations. Have you got your kodak moments prepared? Can you sum up your life in a 30 second phrase? Sure, there will be some people genuinely interested in what you have to say, but test the waters before you jump right in. Don’t worry about being up with the latest lingo. They find it endearing when you slip some Spanglish in or have an odd accent.

They have home court advantage… HEY, hold it right there… what is all this us and them talk? You are a they and they are a you. You don’t have to try to be someone you are not. You just be you and they will love you. I would suggest that you remember what sports season we are in, though. You might not want to use phrases like “home court advantage” seeing as we are in football season. Oh, and that is the football with the hands, feet and pads, not just the feet. Got it?

*We all do it. We talk to ourselves. The sophisticated pros call it ’self-talk’. In a theatrical production it is like unto a soliloquy. Whatever it is, here’s some from my head.

- o -

Well folks, I am off to the States early Friday morning. DaRonn and I are going back to where we spent our honeymoon: Colorado. That was 13 years ago. We will be there for a week with some very good friends and a few dozen other people who have also dedicated their lives to ministering to others. I am more excited than nervous. It is really going to be a wonderful time.

Fame does not imply veracity. Although, what is the difference between perceived truth and actual truth?

In the area of language this is proved most vividly.  The fact that something is affirmed by the masses implies that at least a morsel of it must be believable.

A repeated saying has gained public attention. Does this guarantee truth? Our ears incline to what we would describe as known. We have heard it before; comfort is found in the familiarity of it and we decide to not question it. Unchallenged the cliche is filed in the same box with what we know to be true.

What does this look like outside the philosophical in day to day living?

“Familiarity breeds contempt, while rarity wins admiration.”

From what I could find this quote was made by Roman philosopher, rhetorician and satirist Apulieus (124 – 170 AD). Qualifiers would be needed to explain when this statement is true and when it is not applicable. Hundreds of years later Mark Twain applied humor and quipped this modified rendition of the saying.

“Familiarity breeds contempt – and children.”

Do we feel contempt for everything familiar? Of course not. Do we admire everything rare? Not in every instance. The original intention of the saying may be more of a warning to examine contempt of the familiar in order to introduce something to break monotony. It is advice rather than law.

Here is another one.

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

Found in early Roman texts this saying was made famous in the final line of a song by Thomas Haynes Bayly in 1850. (More details here.) I was first made aware of this phrase in my childhood while watching Disney’s 1973 animated Robin Hood in a conversation between Maid Marian and her lady in waiting Clucky.

Clucky: Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Maid Marian: Or forgetful.

The quote quality was challenged. Doubts crept in. Situation trumped theory.

Innate human tendency dictates that we take such sayings with a grain of salt, so to speak. That we allow them to influence us, all the while retaining a healthy distance just in case it proves to be untrue in our circumstance. We know we shouldn’t place all our eggs in one basket.

I wonder, do we take this ingrained behavior to our belief of the Word of God? Do we question it? Do we doubt? Is this healthy? I am still wondering. Conclusions have not been reached. Am I in a dangerous place? Possibly. Probably not, though. I find solace in a saying I have heard before and was reminded of today on a FaceBook status:

“Those who believe in God, but without passion in the heart, without anguish of mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, and even at times without despair, believe only in the idea of God, and not in God himself.” Miguel de Unamono

Just some thoughts to pass the time as I wait for my husband to return tomorrow from his trip to Panama. Got anything to add? Feel free to use the comment box after this post. Or you can use the contact page to keep your discussion private on my honk page.

What is the most exciting thing on your “to do” list today?

Just get out of bed before you can think about it.

Good, it is not as cold as I thought it would be.

I better brush my teeth so I don’t knock her out.

Warm clothes, warm clothes, warm clothes, where is my ear thingy?

Kiss my man and I am outta here.

Wow, I am so stiff! Stretching did not used to be this hard. Gently pull the door shut so the baby doesn’t wake up.

The moon is still out! It looks like it is night it is so dark.

Good, she is not waiting for me. It is starting to feel cold, I’ll walk around.

She is wearing a t-shirt! I am in long sleeves and a jacket.

What, no walking? No warm up? We are jogging pretty slow. This isn’t going to be as hard as I thought. I knew she wouldn’t let me down. I knew she would get us off to a good start and keep a good pace.

Yep, this is good.

Inhale, 1 2 3 4, exhale, 1 2 3 4, breathe, breathe, control your breathing and you control yourself, 1 2 3 4, 1 2 3 4…

To the bridge? Are you sure? Ok, yes, it is only a block and a half away. Let’s go.

We are doing pretty good for not running in ages. I am not hurting too much.

Ok, enough walking. Let’s go.

What? Half way already? Amazing.

Just keep moving.

Whoa, that dog is a bit too close for comfort. I should have picked up a rock before we left. There he’s going away.

Come on, you can make it to the plazuela. Just keep moving. I’ll open my stride and use different muscles to finish this bit. There, that wasn’t so bad. This is a good route.

I can see home. I wonder if Wednesday will be as easy as this one was. I am glad we are running again. I imagine we ran about 75% of the half hour we were out. That is not bad.

Ouch, climbing my stairs shouldn’t hurt this much. Oh good, the baby is still asleep. Everyone is still asleep. Just keep moving. Hop in the shower before you have to change the diaper and fill the juice cup.

Why am I coughing so much? Maybe my body is cleaning itself out. Yep, that’s gotta be it. All the impurities coming out. This is good. I’ll have to blog about this. I wonder how I should do it. Why am I talking to myself? That is it. I’ll call the blog self-talk. But I am not really talking – I am just thinking. Comfy clothes, comfy clothes, comfy clothes, where are my slippers? Where is my bible?

*We all do it. We talk to ourselves. The sophisticated pros call it ‘self-talk’. In a theatrical production it is like unto a soliloquy. Whatever it is, here’s some from my head.