I just realized that I never responded to this very thoughtful comment. Sorry about that! Thank you so much for taking the time to explain where you are coming from and even giving examples to punctuate your point.

I agree that I am not being as poetic as I could be. I am hoping to add some flare during the arduous editing process.

The telling vs. showing concept is new to me, though I have heard of it here and there lately. I am still trying to figure out what that means for me, how I need to adjust and what it looks like fleshed out. Thank you for bringing that up. It is a great point.

The second excerpt goes up tomorrow. It was written along with this first excerpt not too much later, so these suggestions are sure to apply to it as well. Though, as you read through it if you have anything else to add I am open to hearing from you.

Thanks again. It really means so much to me that you care enough to take the time and comment here at my little corner of the blogosphere.

Oh, to answer one of your questions, these are the first two paragraphs of the book. I know, they need bunches of work. It’ll come, but that might explain why I feel the need to provide an over saturation of detail.

Hope you are well!
Love you, too.

You’re creating a good visual moment here — painting a backdrop for the action of the scene that’s coming up. I am very visual, so I like being able to ’see’ the story unfolding. This excerpt is strong in that area.

One thing I would take note of is the flow of the words. It reads with a sort-of sense of choppiness. This is mostly due to the length and structure of the sentences. Overall, they are short and fairly abrupt. Think about how poetry is measured and metered. You can map out a poem’s meter with slashes and dips (see here:http://owl.english.purdue.edu/media/jpeg/20061002100511_570.jpg) so that you can visually see the flow of the poem. It’s the same idea here. You’re not writing poetry, but you do want it to have a sense of lyricism, I think. The meter and flow of what you’re writing is going to contribute greatly to that. At present, most of these sentences begin with a slight rise, and then dip straight down. A couple of them continue to fly for a space before they come down. (And at this juncture … I’m not sure what kind of examples would work best for you: if I were detailed in describing what is happening in these sentences; if I were to give an example of a sentence with good flow; if I were to restructure a couple of your sentences, or if I just leave it right here. Or something else entirely.)

The second thing I would mention, is that you’ve got a lot of detail in here. Almost too much for the amount of words. Is this the very beginning of the story? Do you feel the need to acquaint us with all these details so that we can fully appreciate the moment? I don’t know where this story is coming from and going to, so that puts me at a bit of a disadvantage in this arena. However, just in this bit, you’ve told us:

they’re in a convertible
the top is down
her hair is golden
she’s wearing a ponytail
this takes place in February
she has high, glowing cheekbones
she has blue eyes
she’s 15
he has dark features
he has ‘coal waves,’ ‘firm brow,’ and a ‘chiseled jawline.’
the actions of his foot on the pedal
they’re in Virginia
what kind of car they’re driving

These aren’t all of the details you’ve described, of course, but these are things which stood out. Many of these details feel as though they are inserted solely for the information of the reader, rather to enhance the story. What’s the problem with that, you ask? Well, readers like to just absorb stories. They don’t like it to sound like a journalistic report. (Not that this sounds like a report, I’m just conveying the difference in feeling.) The difficulty, of course, is that the readers need enough details to see the scene properly, and it becomes difficult as a writer to know if you’re giving enough or too much. In writers terms, this challenge is called showing vs. telling. Showing gives the reader a scene in which they can gather the information like clues in a crime scene. Telling gives readers a description where they are handed the information like evidence in a court room. I don’t know if that helps (perhaps you already knew that), but I think that is some of what is going on here.

It should be noted that I am definitely a better editor than I am a writer. So there is only so far that I can go in critiquing and offering constructive criticism. One thing I will mention, that I think is perhaps a help for some authors, is … if what is coming to your head is telling (like the details in an exhibit) than write that out … and file all of those details away. They are the foundation that the showing of the scenes will rest on. They will make sure the bones of your scene are all in place, without having to describe the bones for the reader.

In this scene, I think you may be feeling as though you have to give us all these descriptions so that we know what’s going on. But think of it this way: if you picked up a new book and flipped to some place in the middle and started reading … would you have all of the details poking out at you? Or would you gather who the characters, the scene, the action, and the conflict was just by picking up on it?

People the world over love a good mystery. Why? They like the suspense of not knowing, and the challenge of figuring it out for themselves. Do you feel like it’s necessary for us to know that she’s 15? Instead of telling us, say that they drove over as soon as school let out. Perhaps he doesn’t even own the car. He had to wait for his brother to get home from school as well, so he could borrow it. Does he have handsome features? Instead of telling us what he looked like, describe her emotional reaction to him. That’s what we would connect with anyway: the emotion between them. This leaves our imaginations free to fill in the details with things that produce those emotions for us … which in turn, connects us that much more powerfully to the story. You want the reader to feel like they are in the car. Perhaps that they are the girl herself. Describing too many details (that she would not have been thinking of in that moment) pulls us out of the car, and makes us a detached observer. Make, model, color of the car; what state they’re in, what month it is … these are not likely to occur to her as she’s riding in the car with this boy. She might fixate on the luxury and romance of being in a convertible with the top down on a beautiful night … because it heightens the drama and emotion of the crush she has on him. Am I making sense? If this helps: the reader wants to be in the car, not watching the events through binoculars. Retain the details; just be judicious about when you give them to us.

I hope that was helpful! :] I truly admire your fortitude in both writing this volume of words and at this pace, and sharing them with us in raw form! That is sheer bravery, and cannot be described as anything else. I sincerely admire you for that. (And please forgive me if I was too harsh.)

Love you!

I really don’t think that anything you could say would dissuade me at this point. What you say could make the final three quarters of the book that much better. Really.

Bring it.

(And I’m a relentless editor by nature – actually considering a career in that arena – and I wouldn’t want to over-critique when you’re wanting to just ‘get it out.’ I’m still learning where a good line in between a response and a critique. So … if you’re really wanting the editor Annie to respond … she will. But if doing too detailed of a critique will slow you down or get you too focused on one passage at this stage, than I’ll save it.)

Love you!

I love the pace in this opening, the sense of excitement – from the ride itself, and the feelings she has for the guy driving.

It’s great how you’ve conveyed so much here about the characters too in just two paragraphs – the way they look – features and expressions, the age (of the girl), their feelings.

It does leave you curious too about what’s going to happen next – I can’t wait for the next instalment :)